I know, I know, that sentence should have ended with no ellipses and an exclamation point, but at this particular point in my life, I don't know how I feel. I am not sure if it is because it's that "special time" of the month for me or what, but I have just been feeling so.............all over the place. The one constant is me feeling completely ordinary. Ordinary, that is in comparison with my roomie.
I love my roomie to death. I've known her for forever and she's my bestie, but I feel so..........incompetent and unsuccessful compared to her. I know that's not her fault in the least, and just a self-esteem thing with me, but I cannot help it. It's hard living with someone who is so talented and gifted in the things I would give my left and right ovary to be gifted in.
And what can I do? I can dance OKAY. I can write OKAY. But nothing that comes natural. The only thing that ever came natural was wanting to help people, and even that seems to be slowly slipping away. Maybe I am just PMSing. I tend to get all moody and think-y then. I don't know. I just want to be special. I want something in my life to make me unique from others. And not the things that have made me "unique" in the past. Those were pretty much ALL bad.
Plus, the dang boy thing came up again. I was doing so good. Dang it, dang it, dang it.
It's not that I want one, per se, I just want someone to care. To be interested. To actually like me for me. Trust me, there are plenty of guys that hit on me for completely other reasons. But why can I not get a decent guy to be generally interested in me? I thought I had found a decent one: liked different styles of music, was intelligent, could hold a conversation, was funny, cute, and sweet, and TALLER than me, and liked speaking Spanish. One problem: totally into Spanish chicks. And he has a girlfriend.
The other one, I've actually thought about recently. He also has a girlfriend now, but he was pretty much the same as the guy above. The only difference is that he was way more quirky and weird (and I presume not into Spanish chicks or enjoyed speaking Spanish), which is usually my style. But we wanted different things, and he wasn't ready. Now he is ready, and is ready with another girl. Story of my life.
I don't think I'd be too difficult of a girlfriend. At least, I hope not.
Fudge my life.
I also believe it's hard for some people who have been in long term relationships to remember what it felt like to be single. Especially when they happen to be really attractive people. Being single isn't bad, it's being single around people with significant others or people who constantly have prospects.
But this whole relationship spiel is just because of my roomies and I talking about boys today. And my roomie bringing up my past "relationships". Ugh.
Truth be told I didn't handle any of those correctly. The first one, I should have never tried to get back with him a second time. The second: I should know better and aim for higher intelligence. The third: See the second lesson. The fourth: Stop looking and being hesitant and leap. And then the last, which actually never manifested due to his situation: a waste of my time. Especially since he thinks we are just friends, yet hasn't talked to me in three weeks. What is with boys?
Anyway, my rant is done. Night. I promise to update positive, happy "Yay college!" stuff next time.