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Aug. 16th, 2010 @ 12:27 pm Less Than a Week
Current Location: In my head
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Train-Hey, Soul Sister
Thank-freaking-God.

I love my family and everything, but it's time for me to leave. I'm growing a little tired of "playing the game" as my mother so affectionately calls it. Trust me when I say, I'm perfectly okay with doing so in the "real world". The "real world" is effed up and it's going to be a challenge, to say the least. But my family? Shouldn't my family be loving and happy and Partridge-y?

Something that my best friend Nick said the other day whilst we were hanging out with our mutual bestie Katie that got my attention. He was explaining to her how life was and how he viewed his life in conjunction to hers. Basically, showing how he wanted his life, specifically his family life, to be more like hers. And oddly enough, I couldn't agree more.

Personally, I'm sick of lying and scheming and trying to win brownie points so I can do this and do that. I am tired of not being able to have a relationship with any father figure in my life because the biological one left and the replacement effed up in a serious way. I'm tired of all of that. I just want to have an open and honest and somewhat not-crazy family. I don't really want to use the world normal, because, seriously, what is "normal"?

And while I understand that everyone has secrets, can mine be a little less effed up? I can tell how mine have affected me and everything I do. For the most part, it's a good effect (made me fiercely protective and loyal, and always caring about the other person) but on the other hand, it has completely made me a nightmare for others (critical of myself, paranoid, not easy to forgive, mean even). I hate that person, and I am trying to change though, but I cannot help but wonder how I would've been growing up with "biological" and my mother.

For one, I know there wouldn't be five fantastic children here, which reduces my curiosity by a least eighty percent. However they may annoy me or piss me off (currently, the middle sister and the next oldest, because she's so......her father), I would die for those children.

But honestly, would life really be worse? *cue old janitor/angel to step in a show me what life would be like*

I know, I know, I need counseling. I'm not a peace with any of this, and it's an issue. Goodness, why can't I be the kind of person who would never need counseling?

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

-I'm going back to Orlando in six days!!

-My brother's birthday party=MAJOR WIN

-I'm still living?

-I will have food and glasses for the first two weeks! (The glasses you put on your face)

-My bestie that I'm living with couldn't be more awesome.

-I have the BEST friends in the world, both at school at here.

-I'll have money when I leave!

-I still get to keep my anthro classes!!

-Might seriously be considering the military med school option.

I refuse to post the negatives. I'm going to try this positive thing out for awhile. :)
By the way, I promise the next post will be an update on my medical school journey
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010