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Sep. 8th, 2010 @ 10:51 pm One of THOSE Days...........
Current Location: Drowning in Anatomy
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"
Tags: , ,
Things are changing. I can feel it. I have no clue if it's growing up or what, but it is definitely something.

On one hand, I should have known, yet on the other, it did come as a surprise.

I'm 20, a pre-med student, living in Orlando.

I've got good friends, a good life, and a good education ahead of me.

So why am I so uncertain about the future?

Hmm......................
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Aug. 25th, 2010 @ 11:46 pm I'm back.......? (One of THOSE days)
Current Location: My new apartment
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: F*** The Police-NWA
Tags: , , , ,
I know, I know, that sentence should have ended with no ellipses and an exclamation point, but at this particular point in my life, I don't know how I feel. I am not sure if it is because it's that "special time" of the month for me or what, but I have just been feeling so.............all over the place. The one constant is me feeling completely ordinary. Ordinary, that is in comparison with my roomie.

I love my roomie to death. I've known her for forever and she's my bestie, but I feel so..........incompetent and unsuccessful compared to her. I know that's not her fault in the least, and just a self-esteem thing with me, but I cannot help it. It's hard living with someone who is so talented and gifted in the things I would give my left and right ovary to be gifted in.

And what can I do? I can dance OKAY. I can write OKAY. But nothing that comes natural. The only thing that ever came natural was wanting to help people, and even that seems to be slowly slipping away. Maybe I am just PMSing. I tend to get all moody and think-y then. I don't know. I just want to be special. I want something in my life to make me unique from others. And not the things that have made me "unique" in the past. Those were pretty much ALL bad.

Plus, the dang boy thing came up again. I was doing so good. Dang it, dang it, dang it.

It's not that I want one, per se, I just want someone to care. To be interested. To actually like me for me. Trust me, there are plenty of guys that hit on me for completely other reasons. But why can I not get a decent guy to be generally interested in me? I thought I had found a decent one: liked different styles of music, was intelligent, could hold a conversation, was funny, cute, and sweet, and TALLER than me, and liked speaking Spanish. One problem: totally into Spanish chicks. And he has a girlfriend.

The other one, I've actually thought about recently. He also has a girlfriend now, but he was pretty much the same as the guy above. The only difference is that he was way more quirky and weird (and I presume not into Spanish chicks or enjoyed speaking Spanish), which is usually my style. But we wanted different things, and he wasn't ready. Now he is ready, and is ready with another girl. Story of my life.

I don't think I'd be too difficult of a girlfriend. At least, I hope not.

Fudge my life.

I also believe it's hard for some people who have been in long term relationships to remember what it felt like to be single. Especially when they happen to be really attractive people. Being single isn't bad, it's being single around people with significant others or people who constantly have prospects.

But this whole relationship spiel is just because of my roomies and I talking about boys today. And my roomie bringing up my past "relationships". Ugh.

Truth be told I didn't handle any of those correctly. The first one, I should have never tried to get back with him a second time. The second: I should know better and aim for higher intelligence. The third: See the second lesson. The fourth: Stop looking and being hesitant and leap. And then the last, which actually never manifested due to his situation: a waste of my time. Especially since he thinks we are just friends, yet hasn't talked to me in three weeks. What is with boys?

Anyway, my rant is done. Night. I promise to update positive, happy "Yay college!" stuff next time.
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Aug. 16th, 2010 @ 12:27 pm Less Than a Week
Current Location: In my head
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Train-Hey, Soul Sister
Thank-freaking-God.

I love my family and everything, but it's time for me to leave. I'm growing a little tired of "playing the game" as my mother so affectionately calls it. Trust me when I say, I'm perfectly okay with doing so in the "real world". The "real world" is effed up and it's going to be a challenge, to say the least. But my family? Shouldn't my family be loving and happy and Partridge-y?

Something that my best friend Nick said the other day whilst we were hanging out with our mutual bestie Katie that got my attention. He was explaining to her how life was and how he viewed his life in conjunction to hers. Basically, showing how he wanted his life, specifically his family life, to be more like hers. And oddly enough, I couldn't agree more.

Personally, I'm sick of lying and scheming and trying to win brownie points so I can do this and do that. I am tired of not being able to have a relationship with any father figure in my life because the biological one left and the replacement effed up in a serious way. I'm tired of all of that. I just want to have an open and honest and somewhat not-crazy family. I don't really want to use the world normal, because, seriously, what is "normal"?

And while I understand that everyone has secrets, can mine be a little less effed up? I can tell how mine have affected me and everything I do. For the most part, it's a good effect (made me fiercely protective and loyal, and always caring about the other person) but on the other hand, it has completely made me a nightmare for others (critical of myself, paranoid, not easy to forgive, mean even). I hate that person, and I am trying to change though, but I cannot help but wonder how I would've been growing up with "biological" and my mother.

For one, I know there wouldn't be five fantastic children here, which reduces my curiosity by a least eighty percent. However they may annoy me or piss me off (currently, the middle sister and the next oldest, because she's so......her father), I would die for those children.

But honestly, would life really be worse? *cue old janitor/angel to step in a show me what life would be like*

I know, I know, I need counseling. I'm not a peace with any of this, and it's an issue. Goodness, why can't I be the kind of person who would never need counseling?

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

-I'm going back to Orlando in six days!!

-My brother's birthday party=MAJOR WIN

-I'm still living?

-I will have food and glasses for the first two weeks! (The glasses you put on your face)

-My bestie that I'm living with couldn't be more awesome.

-I have the BEST friends in the world, both at school at here.

-I'll have money when I leave!

-I still get to keep my anthro classes!!

-Might seriously be considering the military med school option.

I refuse to post the negatives. I'm going to try this positive thing out for awhile. :)
By the way, I promise the next post will be an update on my medical school journey
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Jul. 30th, 2010 @ 02:32 am Three Weeks
Current Location: A million miles away
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: Nicki Minaj-Roger That
Can I please just have one decent summer? Is that too much to ask for? Can I have one summer without my over-controlling, guilt-tripping stepfather freaking trying to direct my life like a runway patroller? Can I just have one summer where I have fun with my siblings, meet a cute boy and have a summer fling, work a fantastic job, and just relax? Please, God?

Ugh. I am LITERALLY at my wits’ end at home right now. I have three weeks to go until I leave, and these will possibly be the three longest weeks in the history of long weeks. For one, my stepfather has taken it upon himself to “help me out” with my future. In layman’s terms, this means deciding to pay for more than have my rent (which I didn’t need), researching medical schools (which I have already done) and assisting me with my spending by “monitoring my statements” (I.e. I have to send them my debit card statements each month).

Let me reiterate: I did not ASK for this!

All I wanted was my rent paid, and fifty bucks when I went back to college. But what does he do? He decides that me asking for help was a sign that I want him back in my life “helping me” and just barges in. ARRRRR!!!! I take it back completely. Going into IB wasn’t my biggest mistake. Asking my step dad for money was. Other shoe, you may not drop.

I should have known better. I should have stayed in Orlando. I should have, I should have, I should have. I could go on and on with the shoulda-woulda-coulda, but I will not. It’s useless, and it doesn’t help me at all. I’m just so tired of this. I hate being here because it just reminds me of not having control of my life, of having everything planned out for me and then coerced into the decision my parents want rather then having the decision truly left up to me, like they always say they will.

I cannot make them see that, though. Defending myself to my step dad is like talking to a wall made of naquadah (Stargate nod!). He will not hear me out. And lately he has taken to blaming me for every bad thing that has happened to the family in the last five years. Yay, self-esteem.

And my mom. Ha. Where do I start? For one, I cannot figure her out to save my life. She’s like tri-polar. One minute it’s super-perfect Christian wife, the next it’s screw-Dad mother, and the next, it’s this weird, hybrid in between person that I cannot even describe. She’s so inconsistent, it’s ridiculous. And I think she’s the reason why I’m the same. I’m inconsistent about people as well, and that’s not a good thing. I’m working on it, mind you, but still.

It’s a fact, that we carry on many of the characteristics our parents have. Now, it’s nothing like Lamarck’s Acquired characteristics theory, but I do believe that some behavioral and personality traits that we gain or learn from out parents do end up sticking with us in the long run.

Main question: Am I going to turn out like her?

I have to admit, that’s my biggest fear.
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Jul. 14th, 2010 @ 01:36 am Oh, Torrance, can't stand your cheerleading squad............
Current Location: Avoiding the gorram Alliance!
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: "In The Heights"-ITH Cast Recording
Tags: , , ,
You have to love the movie "Bring It On". I was ten when it came out, and wasn't actually allowed to see it until I was about 13, but still. It's quintessential 1990s teen awesomeness. And it makes me happy. It reminds me of being young.

I know, I know, I'm way too young to already be having a mid-life crisis, but I don't look at it that way. In the last two years I have pretty much gone from worrying about prom dresses, senior pictures, and IB exams to worrying about my science GPA for med school, signing a lease, handling school loans, first month's rent, and buying a new car. That's a huge jump.

Does that make me an adult? I mean, many different people have ideas as to the moment one "officially" becomes an adult. For some people, it was the day they bought their own car with their own, hard-earned money. For others, it was the day they signed a lease for an apartment. And even more people have said that they never truly felt like an adult until they had an overdue bill or an unpaid credit card.

Personally, I think one can never be considered an adult. By society's standards, one is "legal" at the age of 18, but adulthood means a great level of different responsibilities. In my opinion, I think I'm just in transition to becoming an adult. And honestly, I like it.

Not for the "freedom" (not really) or anything like that. I enjoy having responsibility. I like being able to make decisions for myself. Sure, it's incredibly difficult at times, but I feel like that is just testing my character and expanding my life experience. These responsibilities help me grow, so I welcome them.

On another, entirely awesome note, I recently got to hang out with my favorite Bosnian, Ajla, and my best friend Jessica and her boyfriend Jon. My hang-out with Ajla involved some evening exercise, gelato (hey, we were trying to still be healthy!), and later a movie night at my house (She's The Man, of course. Gorgeous Channing Tatum). She's one of those people that I unfortunately didn't hang out with as much during high school, so I'm so glad to be reconnecting with her. :)

Dinner with Jess and Jon was awesome as well. Jon can COOK! Plus, his thoughts on, let's see, everything, are quite amusing. Plus I got to see five lovely and hyper puppies and dogs, which made me very happy. And STEAK!! I miss good meat. My siblings don't eat anything that isn't chicken, hot dogs, or bacon. Kids.

Overall, I'm really happy. I've made a promise to myself and to others to be more upbeat, and to not let everything get to me. So far, so good. So, things that make me happy (in no order of importance):

1) Glee, Supernatural, Stargate, Firefly, Vampire Diaries, and Ugly Betty

2) My friends, new and old, and the ones I'm reconnecting with!

3) UCF and getting my BS and BA!

4) Music!

5) Dance!

6) Family!

7) Being me. And becoming a doctor.

Random Thought of the Day
I have been thinking a lot about futures,and what the driving force is behind people choosing certain careers. For me, it was my mom and my family, and their experience with doctors that made me want to be a doctor, or, to be blunt, a better, caring doctor. So here is my question to you:

What influenced your career decision?
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Jul. 13th, 2010 @ 04:04 am A (Rare) Good Day
Current Location: Should be sleeping...
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: "Jealoso"-Pitbull
Tags: , ,
Fun things at the end of a good day, to help me stop thinking about med school.

Ten Things I Miss...
10. My siblings (being home this summer makes me miss them less, hence the #10 ranking).
9. Prom and homecoming dress shopping.
8. Graduation parties.
7. My stuffed animals.
6. Watching Saturday morning cartoons (the good ones, not all this new crap).
5. Cable. Going through Glee, Sci-fi and Supernatural withdrawals.
4. Seeing all my friends all at once.
3. Recess and snack time.
2. My Bogie peoples.
1. Cracking inside jokes with people I don't get to talk to anymore.

Nine Things I Hate...
9. Sucky dial-up internet
8. My inability to stop biting my nails (I know, I know, I’m working on it).
7. Jeans not made for curvy women
6. Watered down milk (my parents used to add water to it to make it “stretch”)
5. The word “stretch”.
4. Reality television shows (not all, but about 95% of them).
3. MyUCF.
2. The security at my old high school, keeping me from visiting my favorite teachers.
1. The sparkly vampire phenomenon.

Eight Things I Love...
8. Peanut Butter M&Ms, Reese’s, and Red Hots.
7. Chinese food.
6. Science fiction books and television (Star Wars, Star Trek, Firefly, Stargate, Supernatural, Vampire Diaries, Harry Potter, the list goes on and on).
5. Glee, Supernatural, Firefly, and Ugly Betty.
4. Not having to study for the IB exams ever again.
3. Hearing from old friends.
2. My family and my Miami family.
1. Dance.

Seven Things I Remember the Most...
7. Goldfever rehearsals.
6. Three Musketeers’ hangouts.
5. Parties at Jessica Silva’s house (and other places).
4. Homecoming and Prom
3. Girls’ nights with Jenn and Pearl.
2. Great Ex Summer Camp.
1. My first boyfriend.

Six Things I Want to Do Eventually...
6. Get a tattoo.
5. Travel to Europe (specifically, Italy and Greece)
4. Go see a Broadway show.
3. Comic Con! Supernatural Con! Glee Con! (All right, I made up the last one.)
2. Dance team.
1. Be referred to as Dr. Pugh.

Five Songs I Can Hear Over and Over and Over and Over.... You Get the Point...
5. Cherry Pie-Warrant
4. “In The Heights”-In The Heights Cast Recording
3. “Dream On”-Aerosmith
2. “We Started This Opera Shhh!”-Repo The Genetic Opera Soundtrack
1. “Hey, Soul Sister”-Train

Four Words That Describe Me...
4. Caring (I try, I really do).
3. Loyal (Unless you do something unforgivable)
2. Critical (of myself and how people perceive me)
1. Driven (If I want something, I’m getting it.)

Three Things I Want to Change...
3. Myself. (I'm a work in progress. :-P)
2. My GPA *meekily eyes med school*
1. My cultural awareness. (Hence the Anthropology major)

Two People I Want In My Wedding
2. My sister (She is my best friend. :))
1. My girls and my boy (They know who they are!).

One thing I want...
1. One thing? Please, this is me: (not in any order) To be a doctor, to embrace my inner geek, to keep my friends, to be a decent Christian, to stay open-minded, to accept and stand behind my decisions, to be loyal and loving, to stay focused, to be driven, to have a family, and to finally figure out what being myself is.
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Jul. 8th, 2010 @ 01:50 pm You Know...........
Current Location: El biblioteca
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: Travvie McCoy-Billionaire

I was going to come on here and start venting about my mom and everything, but never mind. Just not in the pissed-off-and-I-need-to-scream kind of mood. It's more of the "This sucks so much it's depressing" kind of situation, or the "Wow, deja vu" kind of situation. So no complaining for me.

Main point of my thinking today: I want to go back to school.
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Jul. 1st, 2010 @ 07:51 am More Thinking.........
Current Location: Up way too early in the morning
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Hyporcrite by Seether
For the record, my sleep schedule is COMPLETELY screwed up. I've probably mentioned this in a couple of posts prior to this one, but the magnitude of my effed up sleep schedule ceases to astound me. For example, one night I will be awake until about 4 a.m., then I will sleep until about 1 p.m. in the afternoon. The next night, however, I'll be asleep at one and awake at 6:30 a.m. How does that work?! I am not understanding my body's strange sleep cycle.

On another note, though, I am quite happy with myself. My friendships are good, everything for college is taken care of, and my relationship with my family is tighter than ever. Are you waiting for the other shoe to drop? Join the club. I personally, being one of those people who has all the worst things happen to them, never fully enjoy when life is going down a road I actually paved myself. That's never a good thing, in my experience, because it means that God is setting me up for an earthquake-sized road block. The last time it was going this good was right before my stepdad became unemployed and I had to struggle through senior year of high school trying to get extra shifts at work and figure out how to pay for everything (because everyone knows that is the singular most expensive time of your life at that point, at least, until your wedding).

Needless to say, I don't just "let the good times roll". Letting the good times roll usually means being blindsided by something so catastrophic it causes emotional damage. However, in light of my new attitude and attempt at maturity, I will........(groans).......look on the bright side. I will stay positive. This upcoming second year of college looks to be a good one, a chance for me to boost my GPA for med school, get involved in more activities on campus, and earn even more experience on my own. So no one is allowed to die or go through any core-shaking problems, you hear me?! Haha.

On a brighter note, I saw the last bit of the movie The A-Team and all of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse last night. It was darn good. The A-Team, I mean. I had my doubts, but it was good. And Eclipse was pretty spot-on, save for them rushing through the film a bit. But none of the Twilight movies will be perfect, so it doesn't matter. Oh, and I saw the trailer for Deathly Hallows and squealed like a little fan girl. I am SUCH a sci-fi geek. Since movies are so darn expensive, though, the next couple I will be seeing this year ONLY include The Last Airbender and Deathly Hallows. Everything else can wait. I'm a broke college student, shoot.

Random Thought of the Day

Will going to the movies ever become obsolete? Or will it become like the library, and be there just to give you free access to things that you don't want to buy?

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm.......................
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Jun. 30th, 2010 @ 12:28 am Thinking
Current Location: Watching Stargate!
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Glee, in my head
Tags: ,
The one thing I absolutely, ABSOLUTELY despise about summer is that I have WAY too much time on my hands. Well, not every summer, but definitely this summer. And with tons of time on my hands comes mulling and thinking and brainstorming, and mainly pulling part the storage boxes of my mind and allowing every little nagging thought to come through. That's never a good idea, especially for me.

Mainly, the nagging thing about friends has begun to affect me. I've always been the kind of person to have tons and tons of friends, but one singular best friend. Lately, I haven't really been able to isolate who my best friend is, honestly. I know it will pander out on its own in time, but I've never felt so.........alone. I don't know, maybe I'm just moody.

It also doesn't help that I'm so far away from my new friends. I feel like I made a huge mistake by coming back home for the summer. It's horrible, I know, but I cannot wait to get back to college. I miss hanging out with them, I miss being on my own, and I miss.............me. The "college" me is so much better and freer than the "back-home" me. Don't get me wrong: I missed the heck out of my family and the friends who are back home for the summer. But, I don't know, I enjoy college.

I suppose that a lot of this stems from the fact that tonight is the premiere of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. While I am no longer a Twi-hard (the whole franchise is completely overrated, though I still like the books), I miss being passionate about stuff like that. I feel like I have gotten too serious too quickly in an effort to prepare myself for the road to and the road of medical school. Not to mention, I usually go to midnight showings with my best friends, but nowadays they are either going with other people or not interested in the least bit.

I think I just need to remember that I am young, and have plenty of time to be serious. That's why I want to be more involved in school this year, in terms of volunteering and organizations like AASU and CSA. I need to remember to have fun, as well. And as for friends, I'm probably overanalyzing things. I tend to do that a LOT.

I'm off to finish Stargate, and then sleep. Teaching Spanish in the morning!

Random Thought of the Day

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
Personally, I would have never gone into the I.B. program. Four years of frustration and stress could have been easily replaced by AP classes.
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010
Jun. 27th, 2010 @ 04:55 am Random!!!
Current Location: Still not sleeping!
Current Mood: energeticenergetic
Current Music: Greys Anatomy mellownessnesss
Random Time!

When did you know what career path was right for you? Was it as a child, or later on as a teen and a young adult?
About this Entry
ucf, Spring 2010